Hi, if any of you didn't know, my name is Kristofer Tracey Stevens. Many of you, however know me by another name. Or, rather, have known me as a few other names. I'd prefer it if you all call me Amanda. I am a nerd. I play Magic the Gathering, read manga and comics, watch anime, and can recite lines from numerous Kevin Smith movies.
I have been pledging a fraternity for almost my entire academic career here at SUNY Albany. Or at the very least, that seems to be what I hear a lot. I didn't know or ever realized that trying to pass as best as I can as a normative female was part of the pledging process. I didn't know that I wasn't being hazed. I was convinced that I was just being me. But then again, I must be mistaken. After all, why else would anyone of male sex ever want to dress like a woman.
No one would willing go through the humiliation, the stares, the snickers, the pranks, and comments. I mean, who would want to walk know that walking from the mall to a friend's car can lead to people slowly driving behind you pointing and laughing and taking pictures? Or walk routes that have the least people on them so I don't feel their eyes? Is it assumed I enjoy feeling terrified every time I have to use the bathroom, which is frequent because I suffer from Ulcerative Colitis an inflammatory bowl disease.
In a lot of ways, the negatives outweigh the positives. The safety and security that just come from being male are greater than we ever notice. But, in the long term, I am certain that coming out as a male to female transsexual well give me a good pay out. Until then?
I will lean on the friends I have for support. I will take the small achievements of people using the proper pronouns as signs that times are either changing or I am passing. I will trudge through the ignorance and try to let it hurt a lil less each day. That is all. Good night and thanks for listening.
